Wednesday, April 1, 2015 • Vol. XXXVIII, Issue 125



Bishop Eaton to Visit Campus

Churchwide Bishop Elizabeth Eaton will visit the seminary Apr. 25-28 for the National Conference on Historical Re-Enactment. The conference will focus on the portrayal of religious figures in Civil War reenactments and will include an authentic German Lutheran church service based off a liturgy used in a Pennsylvania congregation in 1862. Bishop Eaton will also be hosting a s'mores roasting fellowship time in the residential quad on Apr. 28, beginning at 6pm. Students are invited free of charge, but period attire is required.

Seminary Drivers Wanted

Students are invited to apply for the Elite Seminary Drivers Corps. The program will pay students to transport Seminary guests in stretch limos to and from airports as well as to Starbucks, the Outlets, and Little Round Top. In order to qualify, students must pass a written test, a driving test, an exegetical test, and provide their own professional driving attire, including a hat.

Erling to Publish

Dr. Maria Erling has just signed a book deal with Augsburg Fortress Press to author, "101 Ways to Serve Lutfisk," an expansion on her popular essay, "Curing Fish: What Lutherans Need to Know Before Feeding Their Friends." The book will be released on Fish Night 2015, the Erling/Spangler annual fish-themed party, where she will serve three different varieties of lutfisk as well as sign her new cookbook. Rumor also has it she will soon after release the much anticipated "Bearded Lutherans: The First Article of Facial Hair," a history of influential Lutheran missionaries and the beards that kept them warm on the prairie.

Vitalis Hoffman To Be Featured on Ancient Aliens

Dr. Mark Vitalis Hoffman will be featured on an episode of "Ancient Aliens" (HIST) to air in late May 2015. Vitalis Hoffman was approached to speak on the show after being nominated by several senior seminarians. When asked what convinced him to be on the show, he replied, "After four years of students trying to claim that the Bible shows proof of alien life, I've had it! I want the world to know, once and for all, that Jonah was NOT abducted by a large metal object and the Transfiguration and Ascension were NOT abductions!" When asked if there were any possible alien connections to creatures described in the book of Ezekiel, Vitalis Hoffman responded, "No comment."

Around the World in 80 days

President Cooper-White announced his upcoming sabbatical to attempt making history in the Guinness Book of World Records as the first Lutheran pastor to fly around the world in 80 days. His journey will begin on Pentecost Sunday and will involve making pit stops at ELCA partner congregations throughout the world. Pastor President said of his trip, "I am eager to visit our sisters and brothers in Germany, Tanzania, India, and Hong Kong, as well as the many other locations I will visit during my flight." When asked why he was making a stop in Antarctica, he responded, "That stop is just for me. How many times in your life does a pastor get to fly to Antarctica?! After all, they aren't having Churchwide assemblies there any time soon." After flying around the world in 80 days, Pastor President's next goal is to be the first Lutheran pastor in space. There is talk about setting up a literal satellite campus for LTSG students who qualify for space study.

Grading System Glitch, Professors Request Cooperation

Due to a glitch in the system that records student grades, all students will receive "A's" for the Spring semester. The Seminary Administration and Professors request that students still hand in assignments and attend class in response to the program's free gift.

Morning Class Time Change

All morning classes have been moved back one hour and will now begin at 9:30am and end at the usual time of either 10 or 11:30am. This change will allow students one extra hour of sleep, or one extra hour of procrastination.

Redactor Editor

April Fools! I know you would like to buy a book on lutefisk (great graduation gifts!), all of the above announcements are not true. There are no new Redactor announcements today, but you are welcome to view the archive to read what you may have missed yesterday. And don't worry too much, if you already purchased your professional driving attire, I'm sure Amazon has a decent return policy. Now go study! Those passing grades don't just fall out of the sky! 

-Your Laughing Redactor Editor